The Murder Option 2 Page 3

  But at the moment, this woman without her uniform, without the military establishment on her wall behind her office desk, flags on both sides, the pictures of the president and theater commander, she just looked like an unattractive, smallish lady sitting in front of a hutch full of memorabilia. It was as if these trinkets served to remind her every day of what great things she’d accomplished thus far in her stellar life.

  Jesse walked around the chair where the colonel sat. “I like your hutch. All your great memories in one place.” Her real purpose was to reach in her pocket and turn on the hat-cam and recorder.

  “I want to know you better,” Jesse said, returning to a chair across from the colonel. “I want to know why you did what you did to me and to other women who’d been raped, abused in your unit, and got no help from you. You being, of course, our commanding officer. Maybe if you were a man, it might be understandable. So make me understand how a woman with power can do what you did to your young female charges. I really, really need to understand.”

  The colonel ran her tongue under her lower lip, as if hunting down a response. Jesse didn’t know what she was thinking, if she was scared or working on some tactic. She was one of those people who had perfected the poker face. No tells on this bitch beyond that little tongue move.

  “I really do need answers,” Jesse said. “Not bullshit. Real answers.”

  Finally, the colonel said, “I’m sure I have no answers that can satisfy you. Do you really think I had a choice at the time?”

  “Of course. No one was holding a gun to your head then.”

  Colonel Mayer’s eyes narrowed almost to a squint. She said, “In a sense, I did have a gun to my head. I had to be careful. Look, I couldn’t have risen to where I am, to a position where I can help—” her cell phone rang. She looked at her pocket. Jesse shook her head. The colonel continued, “—help thousands of women who want to enter the military.”

  “Help them?”

  “Yes. I have dedicated my life to paving the way for young women—”

  “Then we were sacrificed for your career, so that you could get to become a big deal at the Pentagon in order to help us?

  “In a sense—”

  “No. Not in a sense,” Jesse said. “I saw your interview. How the problems were being dealt with and might not be as big as first thought. But I’m thinking that’s just more cover-up bullshit. I really, really want to find out what you were thinking. Why you slammed the door in our faces, what went on in your sick mind. And I’m perfectly willing to kill you if I don’t get those answers.”

  “Listen, you have no idea—”

  “That’s a bullshit start,” Jesse said. “Don’t tell me what I know or don’t know. That’s not what I asked you.”

  Jesse raised the gun, cupping it in her left hand and holding it steady with her right, using her thumb to pull back the barely visible hammer until it clicked in place. “You have to understand. I’m not interested in smoke and mirrors. I’m really not. I read this novel where the hitman called a perfect gunshot to the forehead death’s red flower because of the neat little blood splatter around the hole. Please, do yourself a fucking favor and answer the fucking question, Colonel, or this interview is going become death’s red flower real fast. The truth and nothing but, or kiss this life and your role in it goodbye.”

  Colonel Mayer seemed to realize now how close she was to getting herself killed. She nodded. Her face muscles tightened a bit more. Her eyes took on a more concerned, almost fearful look. “Okay. I did what I hated doing but had no choice. I felt it was a necessity at the time.”

  “Covering up rapes a necessity? Make me understand how that works, me being at the time a lowly specialist first class, and my only higher education at a junior college.”

  “It’s not—look, at the time, those allegations, unsubstantiated, were just not beneficial to pursue.”

  “Beneficial to who? Or is it whom?”

  The colonel took a breath. “To women in general in the military. Now we’re going after that kind of thing full force. Now I’m in a position—”

  “Don’t go there,” Jesse said. “I want you to tell me how you could deal with ignoring at least four other females who tried to get you to do something. You denied them just as you denied me. You gave us no real explanation. That’s what I’m after. You dismissed us with contempt. Like we weren’t soldiering-up, as you liked to say. Like our vaginas were open season and we had to learn to take it.”

  “I’m sorry,” Colonel Mayer said. “I really am. Life isn’t fair. I know how terrible it—”

  “Tell me how you felt then, not now.”

  “It was very hard, believe me. But the wider picture—”

  “I don’t care about the wider picture, Colonel Mayer. Out of curiosity, have you ever even been fucked?”

  The colonel didn’t respond.

  Jesse then said, “I’m waiting to hear your explanation of why you did absolutely nothing for any of us under your command who got violated and abused.”

  “What happened to you and the others may be the worst thing that could of happened to a woman. But it did happen and couldn’t be reversed,” Colonel Mayer said with defensive aggression. “I had to make a decision at the time how to handle the problem, and at the same time, whether it sounds right to you or not, I had to protect my status and command for the sake of the future of women. I didn’t like it, but in the all-boys club, for a woman to reach the top, you had to play by their rules until you reached a position to change the rules. I’m sure you can understand that, however painful it is for you. And it was painful for me, as well, in a different way. I hated how I was forced to deal with it as I did, even if it was in the long-range interest of women.”

  Jesse studied her. “You had to sacrifice us to the wider vision. The end justified the means, at least career-wise, because look where it’s gotten you. Am I about right?”

  “Unfortunately, sometimes that is how things look. In this case, bad as it was for those who suffered, it absolutely justified the end, which is thousands of women soldiers who came after you. At the time, we just weren’t ready to handle the integration of women and men. I’m extremely sorry. You have no idea. There isn’t a day when I don’t think about you and the others and what they had to endure. I will always be guilty about that. But I did what I had to do on behalf of women.”

  “You couldn’t even remember my name. Is that the big picture you’re so proud of, where the small people get trampled on so the great people get to move on up that glorious hill to save the day? We’re stepping stones.”

  “Believe me, that’s not how I thought of it.”

  “But that’s the reality. We were sacrificed by the woman who became our champion. Do I have that about right?”

  Colonel Mayer fixed Jesse with that narrow gaze she’d been famous for. As one of Jesse’s fellow soldiers said of her, “That woman doesn’t have eyes, she has gun ports.”

  But then the colonel backed off and looked to be really struggling to get hold of the situation. Something in Jesse’s attitude had finally gotten through to her. It was as if she realized she was a finger pull away from death, and her former charge had no qualms.

  “Here’s the reality,” Colonel Mayer said, working up her defense, “there was no way in hell I could have won that fight back then. Look, the military imposes its will, and nobody was ready at the time to deal with male and female soldiers in the same theater in close quarters. It was all done with political haste and no preparation. It didn’t matter where it was in the academies, on ships or subs. It was just very new and not yet figured out. There had to be more training. Some of these young men in their testosterone prime, stuck in a combat zone, extremely close quarters, untrained to be with women under those stresses, will act out in negative ways. And we need to fix that. But it takes time and it takes women in power. If I had gone up against the system then, I would not be in the position I am now to make that change. You have to see that… soldie
r. I’m sorry I can’t remember your name.”

  “My name, and, apparently, all of me, is irrelevant. And I do understand, sir,” Jesse said with venom. “But you didn’t even give us the benefit of a decent hearing. And your ambition to be our great leader rings a bit hollow. There’s just something about you, and women like you. I don’t want to be insulting, but to chicks like me, the ones you toss in the garbage, you come off as a real climber willing to do whatever it takes.”

  “That’s really a misunderstanding—”

  “Maybe, but it’s the understanding you left me with, Colonel Mayer. You treated me like I was dog shit. You didn’t give a damn what happened to me. I was trashed and you ignored it. It was very personal. I saw it in your face, your eyes, your miserable fucking attitude. And I’ve been watching how you perform. The arrogance is disgusting. At that moment, when I was desperate, and I wanted moral courage from you, you kicked me out of your office and told me to soldier-up. And I tried. I really did. But you weren’t serving the future of women. You were serving your future … at my expense. And at the expense of other girls like me. That pisses me off. Somebody told me when I went into training for the military that physical courage is far easier to get out of a person than moral courage. Moral courage is the most rare and most important courage there is. To be able to stand up to power knowing you or your ambitions and dreams might just get crushed. I didn’t understand it at the time. I do now.”

  There was a long stillness between them. Jesse had pulled the weapon back and had her arms in a more restful position, but the .38 poised and cocked. The colonel knew there was no move she could make.

  “The least you could have done,” Jesse said, “was show a bit of empathy. And maybe an explanation of your refusal to do anything. But we didn’t even get that. You acted like it was all our fault.”

  “What I did, in hindsight, was, I agree, questionable. And if there’s one thing I want you to believe, it’s that I’m spending the rest of my life trying to make up for what I couldn’t make myself do then because I didn’t think I could really help. At the time, I saw you not as somebody to help, but as a threat. That was wrong. I’m sorry.”

  “Is that an appeal for a great American second chance? Do we owe everybody who does horrible things a second chance when they get called on it?”

  “That’s a judgment you have to make.”

  “What you’re telling me is you’ve punished yourself, so why shouldn’t that be enough? Tell me why I should take it as sufficient. Why I, or anyone else who suffered under your watch, should forgive and forget because you’ve become your own judge and jury.”

  “You don’t have to forgive me. But at least know that all of us are trying to figure out how to challenge not the glass ceiling of business and politics but a much stronger, more resistant, steel one. Of all the organizations in this country that are hostile to females, none comes even close to the military. We have a few tokens here and there, and maybe it’s true, to get higher up, we compromised our values and looked the other way. We lacked, as you put it, a sense of moral courage to challenge authority. And maybe in some cases it was very self-serving. But you can’t just overlook the wider reality. Sometimes, for all of us, you do have to soldier-up in very unsavory ways in order to make progress because there’s a much bigger battle to be won.”

  “You sound almost heroic. Our own Joan of Arc,” Jesse said with disgust. The woman even used her confession, her weakness and subservience, as rationale for what she did. Jesse wanted to put the bullet right in her mouth.

  Jesse said, “Colonel, your rationalization—getting women into power—rests on the idea that powerful, corrupt women are good role models; that sucks. I’m not buying it, but if that’s your final argument—closing argument, as they’d say in a court—so be it. I’ve read a lot about you. There’s a certain type of female, just like a certain type of male, who wants power and position above all else. They justify their willingness to violate every ethical boundary there is.”

  “Really, it’s not—”

  Jesse interrupted her with a wave of the gun and a shake of her head. “Maybe, in some cases, if they do accomplish some really good deed, the end can be applauded. But I don’t see how that makes good role models. Unless, in the pursuit of wonderful goals, that is the only way to accomplish them. I don’t believe that. The way I personally look at it, I’m a human being and an American. And I chose to fight for my country. You don’t treat any soldier as you did the women in your command who needed you. No matter how you suffer in your own mind, which I doubt. And no matter what great things you achieve. So, one last time, Colonel Mayer, tell me why you deserve to live. Why I should just walk out of here and not blow your brains out, then walk down the street and get a latte from Starbucks.”

  “And then what happens to you? Do you think it will help you?”

  “You see, what happens to me after doesn’t matter to me at all. There is no ‘me.’ That was taken. So, if you’re wondering, yes, I will happily blow your brains out and not really care.”

  Now the Colonel was visibly scared. “I can’t justify anything. All I know is, you kill me, and you kill yourself, and the dreams of so many young women. They will be your collateral damage. You … think about that. It’s a big price for all of us to pay. But there’s no choice. Yes, some girls got abused. Some of them weren’t careful. Get a little high, a couple drinks, things happen. No different in a dorm, is it? But the military is a new environment, and female soldiers need to rise to the top. If there’s a price, there’s a price. You need to wake up to that reality.”

  “Soldier-up, as you like to say.”

  Colonel Mayer nodded. “I’ve had to and it’s painful. But that’s the reality. You want to judge me, execute me, that’s on you. And you can’t blame me anymore for what happened in the past. You talk about moral courage, well, maybe now, instead of revenge, you need to take a different look at yourself. Maybe both of us do. I will offer you this: I will do nothing about this. I won’t press charges or follow up on this in any way. You got it off your chest, and I admit I was wrong. Very wrong. I didn’t have the courage or even the decency to acknowledge the truth, the reality. All I can do now is try and make up for that.”

  “You admit you were guilty of ignoring crimes against young women in your command?”

  “Yes. I admit that.”

  Jesse got what she had really come for. There was nothing left to say. They had reached an end. The colonel had made her case, confessed her sins. It was an impressive performance.

  Jesse had come here to kill this woman out of bitter anger, hatred. Out of necessity. She no longer felt that. She’d gotten something much better.

  Jesse said, “Thank you for that admission. It saved your life.”

  “You aren’t going to kill me?”

  “No.”

  Jesse stood up. “Killing someone doesn’t punish them. They have to be alive to suffer as I did, as the others did. I want you to suffer.”

  Jesse backed away toward the staircase, turned, and went down to the door, putting her weapon in her pocket. Once out in the street, she stopped at the corner and looked back. That’s what evil in this world is, she thought.

  Then a terrible thought grabbed her. What if the hat-cam didn’t work right?

  7

  The hat-cam did work, and the video and audio were excellent. Jesse wanted the woman humiliated and forced out of her position.

  Death was an escape from punishment, and she didn’t want this woman to escape. What she wanted was to do to that woman what the woman had done to her and others. Take away her self-esteem by destroying her integrity in front of her peers.

  Her PI helped with the copying. She then sent copies from his office to half a dozen reporters and major websites.

  Once out, the video hit like a meteor strike. It took all of about two hours for the reaction across the blogosphere, news outlets. It quickly became the video sensation she had hoped for.

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sp; Jesse couldn’t decide exactly what to do next. The PI got her a place under a different name and for two days she watched to see if Colonel Mayer would come out and deny that any of it was really true, that she’d been forced at gunpoint to say what her assailant wanted her to say.

  But then other girls began confirming the story and there was no way Colonel Mayer could escape.

  Jesse was in a bar having a celebratory drink when the bad news came over the television screen. The colonel was not going to be punished. She was dead. Apparent suicide.

  It took a long time for Jesse to react. She just stared, then got up, laid a ten on the bar, and walked outside, out into the warm night.

  She walked down by the river, sat on a bench, and watched the joggers, the capital of the greatest country on earth just beyond the trees across the river. Jesse sat there wondering what was her life going to be in the aftermath.

  That was the exact moment when she decided that she was going to be okay. And that the best therapy for her, and one that might give her purpose, a new mission, a future, was to write that book—she had a much bigger story to tell now—and go public before somebody tracked her down.

  Everybody writes a book about stuff like this, she thought. And the notion got her excited. She wanted to do something more. Become an advocate.

  And when the world learned about her role in all of this, she figured she would have the ingredients necessary to make a real impact on the state of women in the military. She’d make sure every female who’d suffered under the colonel’s command would get their day. It would be great to get them to co-author the book. Maybe they’d even start some kind of foundation.

  Suddenly, filled with fantastic purpose, with great potential, Jesse Wells felt a great sense of her identity. Maybe, crazy as the idea was, she would in some capacity replace the colonel as an advisor and spokeswoman for the cause.

  “This is going to be really big,” Jesse said to herself, but out loud, as she looked toward the capital. “This is the beginning.”